I feel as if something is going to happen, but good this time.
I usually never get this feeling, but I am pleasantly surprised that I am right now.
My heart beats fast.
The weather changes.
My mood changes.
It just feels lighter and different in a sense.

So something good must be happening.
I can feel it in the wind.

It’s 5:23 in the morning and I have so much on my mind.
I can’t even get a good night’s sleep. At this point, it’s pretty much nonexistent in my vocabulary.
The other night I had a dream about my ex. It was out of the blue. I have talked to him in practically 4 years, other than the time he texted me letting me know how he was sorry for everything and that he would “take everything back if he could.” He even was like, we should talk again! WTF NO. WHAT BULLSHIT THAT IS.
Anyway.. so in this dream, Danny and I somehow got back together. I don’t know how and why, but we just were. We did practically everything we did in our past relationship, and pulled the same shit. He ignored me yet again. He ditched me. He even used me for sex again and left me. I even believed him when he said that it meant something “special.” I felt like shit yet again. I even went through the same drinking and smoking and other shit stage thing. It was horrible. Then I woke up.
I felt so disgusted and depressed and just like straight up shit.
I have absolutely NO feelings for Danny whatsoever. It’s just the fact that the whole past was brought up again in my dream. It made me feel horrible like I did back then. It made me feel worthless. And it just made me feel like I don’t deserve anyone because I am stupid and pointless to date and what not.
Ugh.

I don’t know if I have the strength to stay clean.
I don’t know if I can.
I don’t know if I will.

Or just be super self-destructive.
Either one will do.

I think the self-destructive one will do quite nicely.
Now I just gotta find the fucking razors or pills or alcohol or anything.

I don’t want to be in a sober state right now.
I’m just done with this bullshit.

because I honestly am not understanding anything that is going on right now.
Feelings.
Intuitions.
Everything.

I honestly hate this empty void in my chest.
To feel like I am never going to find true happiness with love.
To know that no one would ever want to be with me.
To understand how lonely I am.
I hate it.
And to see and hear that the person who has that one person— who practically made me feel like I am worthy of feeling some type of feeling— and is so completely happy and in love with him makes me feel so fucking worthless.
I’m not jealous or envying her in any way, shape, or form, but to know that someone who has practically cheated and snaked her way into that relationship is just ridiculous. And that all of what is happening is happening with that person that I found so important to me at a certain point.
Now, he and I are friends, but I am not close to him anymore, nor am I sure I want to be again cause I have a feeling he’ll hurt me again.

This still doesn’t make the void disappear. I still feel it to this very day.

I honestly feel like my parents are losing sight of me.
I feel like they are losing the love they have for me.
They never ask me how my was anymore. They never even tell me that they love me anymore.
I feel like they just completely ignore me now. They pretty much give all their time and attention to my sister, and none for me. I’ll even sit on the couch with them and watch some ridiculously stupid and boring movie just to feel like I’m in their little circle of love.
Just today, my parents are going to my grandma’s house to pick up a bed for my abuela since she is getting out of the rehab center in a couple of days. They invited my sister along with them and didn’t even ask me if I would like to join them. They just assumed that I would stay home and just sit here. Like, I understand asking my sister if she wanted to go to get out of the house cause she got into a really reaaaally big fight with her boyfriend, Chris, but it is so inconsiderate of them not to even ask me… They just left money on the table for me to get dinner and left.
That’s not the only thing that upsets me that they do. They just do so much that makes me feel like I’m non-living or non-existent in this house or in their lives. And that just really depresses me…cause they are my freakin’ parents. How would you feel if your parents just left you money on the table and said, “Here’s your dinner and lunch money for the rest of the week,” then just left and didn’t even say bye to you.
I just spent the last half hour crying. Not because they didn’t invite me to go to my grandma’s and my abuela’s house…it’s because they didn’t even acknowledge my existence. I was literally right there in front of them when they asked Christina to go with them.

Oh well.

This just shows me how important I am to this world.

I’m trying to slowly distance myself from you.

I feel like that would be the best decision for me to make at the moment.
It’s not because I have grown feelings for you again…because I haven’t. I haven’t even wanted to grow my feelings for you since the last time you screwed up. I just know that nothing will come of it, so what will be the point of even wanting to try to grow my feelings when there will be nothing in return.
I think the reason why I need to distance myself is because I want something new. I want something fresh. I want something that can last. I want that something when someone new isn’t afraid to kiss me and hold my hand in public.

And the fact that you only want to talk to me when you’re bored with your own relationship makes me want to distance myself even more from you.
Honestly, what do you expect?

Wow. I haven’t wrote on here in such a long time, lol.

Anywaaaaay,

This past month has gone… surprisingly… not that bad. I’ve met sooo many new people and I’ve tried new things and what not. I auditioned for this college that is all about the arts and theatre. I did my best at the audition in all three categories: singing, acting, and dancing. I PRAY THAT I GET IN!
I can’t fully say that I like where I am right now, but I can say that I am somewhat content. I still have my tendencies and urges just to bash myself when think upon the past and shit, but it has gotten better.

I did however cut again though -___-
It really wasn’t what I intended to do. I just… idk. Lost myself, I guess. It started on a really sucky day. I was supposed to hang out with some friends or something, then they ditched me. Then I became bored and had all this time to myself, and when I have time with myself, I usually go into these deep conversations inside my head, and eventually, if I keep going, it’ll start to get dark and deep and then I become sad and depressed and hate myself even more (Notice the poly-syndication I used in that sentence! You can thank English class for learning that!). And I just lost touch with myself and gave in. I didn’t do it on my leg though. I actually did it on my wrist… (And if you know me, I think cutting on the wrist is SUCH a desperate cry for attention. I mean, people don’t want people finding out about their scars and fresh cuts and shit, yet they are flaunting it around on their wrists and shit) …so I contradicted myself. But I hid it with my bracelets that I wear, so I don’t think anyone really noticed. Hopefully not. I only tell like 3 people when I cut or not, cause they understand what I am going through and don’t judge me too quick and harshly. But yeah.
…But at least I am better than I was a month or two ago.. I’m a lot better than I was, and I am happy with that.

That’s pretty much what has happened since I wrote on here last.

to feel what it legitimately feels like to be in love.. and actually loved back this time.

I don’t like being single.
Everyone says that the single life is the best and all this stupid shit, but how in the world can someone enjoy it?
Being alone and having heartache from being so lonely SUCKS. SO. MUCH.
I cannot even count how many times I’ve stayed up and cried and wondered what the fuck is wrong with me and lost tons of hours of sleep, etc…

I just want a real love.
Something mutual.
Something fresh.
Something exciting and bold.
Something that will last.

But who am I kidding? When is that ever going to happen to someone like ME…